There’s this part of me that wants to transform itself into a micro organism and find it’s way into people’s brains. I call it “The Fixer”. I guess there’s a “fixer” in everyone, but “The Fixer” is constantly trying to take over my life. He wants to fix his friend’s problems, solve their mysteries, make decisions that will be good for them, wrap ‘em up, there you go, good as new. 

I have been conscious of “The Fixer” for awhile now, he’s like a virus that can’t be contained, threatening to take over control. It’s come to a point where I shut myself off, and keep my circle of friends tighter than ever. It’s a secret circle, exclusive, and illusive. For the past 2 years, I’ve been weaving webs of tangled, controlled chaos. The need to rise above the past, overcome current challenges, and to feel constantly on the move, consumes me. I’ve become so focused and intent on moving forward that I’ve almost forgotten to stop and smell the roses, and most of all, I almost forgot how to be a friend.

A chance meeting with my best friend of 11 years, reminded me of the fun we used to have, before darkness crept along. They were times of mundane fun, fueled by naivety, alcohol, and teen angst. I realized that I’ve moved past that, but a part of me wants to relive the “glory days”. To be honest, times weren’t at all that glorious, but they were… fun…

Then I realized the shit that I’ve cut out of my life. Some people are venomous. They enter your life, mess around with your brain, affect the ticking of your clock, and once they’ve served their purpose, they leave you to bleed on the inside, alone. I’ve purged myself of that poison.

However venom is a vice people hold on to. I understand the psychosis, I don’t like it. You are your company, my mum used to say. If you’re going to mix with bullshit people, you’re going to get bullshit. If you’re going to look me-against-the-world, well, thats the sort of crowd you’re going to attract.

Point being, I’ll filter the bullshit, but continue to live. You should too.

“you’re waiting for a bus, you know it’s coming, but you’re not very sure where it’s going to take you… and you jump…” 

One of the resolutions I have for 2012 is to be friendlier. Not in a I’m-a-complete-whore-listen-to-me-grief kind of way, but in a more social i’m-actually-friendly-and-not-stuck-up-if-you-look-beyond-the-surface kind of way. 

So I decided to start up this tumblr account, and I’m having difficulties setting up the skin and settings because I’m a complete tech-idiot (ask my friends, they’d know). I’m not really sure who’s going to be reading this space, but whatever, I’ll pen down thoughts for myself then!

“You say you love the rain, but you open your umbrella. You say you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot. You say you love the wind, but you close your windows. This is why i am afraid, you say that you love me too.” - William Shakespeare.

I guess I’ve been feeling lonely for a while now, not just alone, but actually lonesome. On New Year’s Eve someone asked me why am I still single, well, the easiest answer would be: I don’t know! But talking to strangers has always been the easiest way (for me) to be honest, because I’m sure I won’t be seeing them much. SO, I said/confessed that I’m not ready because it takes me twice as long to get over a relationship as compared to the average Joe. I’m not ready, because I’ve got plans for myself and when I love someone, I tend to put their needs before mine. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I’m not ready because I don’t feel good enough. 

Then someone reminded me that, ‘good enough’ is subjective. If you’re going to wait for the ‘right time’ you might have to wait your whole life only to find out that the moment has passed. I’m not sure what I’m getting at, but the gist of what I’m feeling is that I’m ready to love and be loved in return because it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 

OKAY! So enough of living from the inside of my head and lets get on with it!

I constantly think of the people who’ve walked in and out of my life. I’m keeping it real when I say that I have silent conversations with myself in my head. My thoughts are erratic and they suffer the constant onslaught of questions. My imagination takes flight into dead space. My eyes are constantly glazed. I’m constantly fazed by the scenes in my dreams and they carry on to the time I spend living. 

I guess that’s how I’ve been getting through life. Its surreal. I know what I’m doing with my life, but I choose to live in a world of make-believe. Sometimes, I think I’m mentally unwell. Either that, or I’m one creative bugger. I’m not always in control, but that does not mean that I’m spinning like a top balancing on an axis, to eventually come to a standstill and topple over.

I mean, I’ve got plans. I’ve got a grand scheme for my career and I have faith in my hopes and dreams. I am also exploring options, they say change is the only constant. I’m more fluid with my plans than I was when I was younger. I guess the foundation has already been fortified. The general direction I’m soaring towards is up, but life isn’t a straight line. Thats crystal, isn’t it?

I hate to feel like I’ve got to lay my cards on the table for all to see and judge me. Believe me when I say most people have only seen the tip of the iceberg. Don’t tell me you can read me, because I’ve spent a large part of my life figuring out who I am. Don’t try to label me and put me in a box. If you think you know me so well, then can you please untangle these thoughts that’s coiled around my brain. Tell me what I’m feeling please. So often I find myself at a lost, not knowing how I feel.

I’ve got a personality I don’t think the mass can handle. I’m a little bit of a schizophrenic. There’s so many Danny’s, I don’t know which is real but they’re all me. I’m a party animal, and a docile house pet. Someone just said to me, “I’ve not met anything quite like you”. I’m not flattered, I’m… speechless. I mean, honestly, where have you been?

That said, I’ve realized my friends and I aren’t as normal as we think we are. We’re the unique few, the more interesting ones, you could say that too. I’ve been alive for too long to really be fucked about what you think of me. If you’re going to be intimidated by what you see, then you probably don’t have to know how I really am. I’m not pulling the youthful, me against the world, angsty kinda bullshit.. I’m just keeping it real.

Honestly, if they don’t understand your silence, they probably won’t understand your words.